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!!!Big City Toddler
!Further Adventures with A Small Child in the City

by [Phil Hollenback|http://www.hollenback.net]

!! Introduction

A lot has changed since I wrote my [first article|BigCityBaby] about
having and raising a baby in the city.  For one thing, we now have a
independent three year old son instead of a tiny helpless baby to take
care of.  One key thing has not changed however: we still live in a
city.  That city happens to be San Francisco now instead of New York,
but our basic lifestyle is the same.  We don't own a car and we live
in a minuscule one bedroom apartment. Everything in our lives is
shaped by these two constraints.  While this can at times be
frustrating, we feel the advantages outweigh the inconveniences.  In
this article I will try to outline a few of the things I've learned as
we have transitioned from having a Big City Baby to having a Big City
Toddler.

!!So Toddlers are Different Than Babies?

Once your child is moving on two legs under their own power, you
officially have a toddler.  In practical terms, that happens anywhere
from about 9 months to one year of age.  This immediately changes
everything in your life.  In a lot of ways babies are simple - they
have a handful of needs and a very limited ability to influence the
world.  Toddlers however are all about danger.  Especially when they
just start walking, babies have no common sense (because of course
they have no prior experience with anything).  As a practical note,
that means you better babyproof the heck out of your apartment.  It
also means that you cannot leave your child alone at all, ever, unless
they are securely sleeping in a crib (don't worry, this does get
better). Thus the constant worry of trying to keep a baby alive is
replaced with the constant worry that your child will hurt themselves
horribly.  Try to remember that babies do have a lot of survival
mechanisms and it will all work out ok in the end.  However, that does
not free you from a life of constant worry.  This is the time more
than any other that you need comprehensive childcare on a part time
basis.  If you don't have someone to step in for backup childcare from
time to time you will lose your mind.

On the other hand, you get to witness your child's first tentative
steps into the world, and this is absolutely an amazing thing. I am
still completely enthusiastic about choosing an urban life for our son
and I hope this article illustrates that the negatives of this living
sitaution are far outweighed by the positives.

!!Transportation

Babywearing is absolutely critical once you have a toddler in an urban
environment.  Note that my wife and I disagree on this point: she
mainly moved our son around in his stroller.  That works fine too, but
realize you will be limited in what you can do when you have a
stroller to lug around.  The NYC subway system with it's many stairs
is particularly difficult to navigate with a stroller.  I think the
main reasons that carrying my son in an Ergo worked well for me are
first that I'm a large guy so I can wear a baby relatively easily.
The other key to my success was that I committed to babywearing from
the start and stuck with it religiously.  You absolutely must start
carrying your baby from the beginning to build up the necessary
muscles.  If you decide to start by carrying a 25 pound 18 month old
you will be miserable.

!Babywearing

As I've already mentioned, I'm a complete [Ergo|http://bit.ly/5DAogX]
devotee.  For the first 8 months or so I carried my son in a Baby
Bjorn, and when he got too heavy for that I switched to the Ergo.  I
carried him on front with the ergo for a few months and then
transitioned to the back around 14 months.  He continued riding in the
Ergo until around 26 months, when he finally decided he wanted to walk
all the time.  I frankly miss the ease of carrying him instead of
chasing him, and it's an interesting bonding experience I wouldn't
trade for anything.  As I mentioned in my [earlier article|BigCityBaby],
Dad doesn't have a lot to do when the baby is
first born, but one thing he can do is hop in and start carrying the
baby right away.  I have a weirdly sexist take on baby transportation:
I absolutely despise pushing a stroller, but carrying a baby on my
back feels somehow 'manly' to me.  That probably says more about my
hangups than anything.

A few thoughts about the Ergo.  At first, it is intimidating because
the thing has a bunch of confusing straps.  Luckily putting it on
your front is relatively straightforward, although someone will need
to help you the first few times.  You can't put a small baby in the
the stock Ergo so you might want to consider staying with the Bjorn
for the first six months (a newborn insert is available for the Ergo
but I haven't tried it).  The Bjorn is also very simple and that's
a real plus when you are completely sleep deprived.  However if I have a
second child I will seriously consider buying the optional newborn insert
so I can use the Ergo from birth.

My biggest advice with the Ergo is the same as for getting to C
arnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.  You just have to
understand how to pre-set it and get everything in place before you
put the baby in.  The big adventure comes when you move your kid to
the back.  You can do this at any time once they have good neck
control and are large enough.  Watch the ridiculously low-budget
instructional DVD that comes with your Ergo a few times before
attempting to back-carry.  For your first few attempts you should use
the side load technique.  Think about the way that women put their
bras on backwards so they can do up the snaps before sliding around,
that's the idea you are aiming for.  Sit on a couch and position the
Ergo on your dominant side.  Then you can slot your toddler in and
slide the whole contraption to your back.  It is important to keep
your other hand supporting the baby at all times, and keep feeling
around to pull the strap around your back and over your far shoulder.
This is a process that is difficult to visualize, you just have to
practice.

One great thing about the Ergo is that once your child gets a little
more used to it and a little taller, you can start using the flying
trapeze artist mount technique.  You belt the Ergo in place on your
waist on the back but leave the shoulder straps down and free.  Then
taking your child from a facing frontal position, throw him over your
shoulder in a rotating movement, so he ends up on your back with his
arms around your neck, like a monkey.  You can then reach down and put
your arms through the shoulder loops to bring them up and lock
everything down.  This is a great party trick and you will get
comments from bystanders all the time.  I don't recommend trying this
until you and your child have have several months of experience with
the Ergo, and your child has enough strength to hold on to you without
falling.

!Sidewalks are Scary

I've found that the number one concern that my suburban friends and
family have about city life is the fear that my son might run out in
to traffic when he is walking on the sidewalk.  Truthfully this is a
scary thought.  With a younger toddler this is not much of an issue
because they are always holding your hand, in the stroller, or in the
carrier.  There are two things you have to drill with them continually
even at this early stage:

# Never cross a street without holding hands
# Don't run in front of garage entrances

I'm not going to lie, you will have some scary moments as your child
learns about freedom and adventure.  All you can do is stay vigilant
and make sure your child always clearly understands the rules.  On the
plus side if they are always walking on city sidewalks I guarantee
they will learn how to do so safely.  My son is now a very confident
sidewalk walker and he absolutely never steps off a curb or in front
of a garage entrance on his own.  The only way to deal with this is
constant vigilance.  The alternative is to trap your child in the
house or car at all times, and that seems to me a singularly
depressing way to live.  The point of growing up in a city is learning
how to interact with people and the best place to do that is on the
sidewalk.

!Carseats

The carseat industry is a complete disaster.  The main problem is that
manufacturers have focused all their efforts on maximizing perceived
baby safety in an SUV mentality.  The result of this is carseats that
are impossible to switch between cars, and that are incredibly
intimidating to the new parent.  My absolute top advice for carseats
is talk to people who have gone through the same experiences.
Obviously the first division is between car owners and non-owners.  If
you own a car almost any carseat will do.  You just need to secure it
in your car and forget about it.

If you don't own a car, you have a totally different set of needs.
You will either be rarely in a position to use a carseat (if you live
in Manhattan) or you will be constantly moving your carseat between
different rental cars (if you live in San Francisco).  In both cases,
you need a convertible carseat that does not come with a locking base
(or just throw away the locking base if one comes with your seat).
You need a seat that sits directly in the car and can be easily
attached with just the seatbelt.  I strongly recommend the [
Evenflo Tribute 5 seat|http://bit.ly/8IsOLf]
for the following reasons:

# Lightweight and relatively easy to carry outside the car.
# Cheap: around $60.
# Enough room behind the back to reach in and secure the car seatbelt.

In fact if I were starting from scratch I would strongly consider just
using the Tribute V from birth since you can use it rear-facing with a
newborn (up to 30 lbs, then you switch to front-facing).

A further complication with carseats is they all come with extra
straps to fit the LATCH mount points that newer cars come with
standard.  You can use this instead of the seatbelt to secure the
seat, but this approach is problematic.  For one thing, the bottom two
latch loops (they are buried next to where the seatbelts come out of
the seats) can be very hard to reach.  This makes it very difficult to
get the seat out of the car quickly.  Also you often have to remove
various covers and plates to find the LATCH mount points so it can be
confusing to find them in the first place.  For these reasons I
recommend you forget about the lower two latch connections, just use
the car seatbelt to secure the carseat.  For added security, it is
nice to attach the top LATCH mount at the top of the seat (often
behind the headrest).  It seems like that would keep the carseat from
tipping forward in a crash and it's usually relatively easy to use the
top mount as it's not buried in the seat.

One other distinction I did not understand before all of this is how
car seatbelts work for carseats.  There are three types of belt
mechanisms.  First you have fixed lap belts, often found in the middle
seat on older cars.  These work fine as-is - just adjust the belt
before snapping it down.

Second there are free-floating lap/shoulder combo belts, often found
in the rear side seats on older cars.  These belts never fully lock
up, except in a crash.  For maximum safety, you need to use the weird
little metal buckle in the pocket on the back of your carseat.  This
forces the car seatbelt to lock in place so you can then treat it like
a fixed belt.

The third type of seatbelt can be found on all modern cars.  I call it
the full travel locking belt.  To use this type of belt, you run it
through the back of the carseat and connect it, same as any other
belt.  Then however there is a trick: you pull the shoulder belt out
slowly until it reaches the end of it's travel, at which point a
locking cam engages.  As you let the tensioner take the slack back up
on the shoulder belt you will find that it no longer extends freely and
instead only tightens.  You can then yank hard on the belt (before you
put the baby in the carseat!) and crank it down so the belt is holding
your carseat in place very firmly.  It stays this way until you
release the buckle and allow the belt retract fully.

As for where in the car you put the carseat, you should always try to
put it in the center in the back seat.  The front seat should be
avoided in particular because of the risk of airbag deployment.

The reason I am writing this detailed description of carseat
mechaniscs is I never found a clear explanation of all of this
anywhere, or at least I didn't understand what I was reading until I
spent a lot of time moving my carseat between various friend's cars,
rental cars, and Zipcars.  Based on that experience I have now become
an expert in a very specific topic and I hope I can help you
understand this very bewildering part of having a child.

Something I have experimented with only briefly is the
[GoGo Kidz Travelmate|http://bit.ly/7DBPrW] carseat trolley system.  The
idea here is you attach a handle and wheels to your carseat and turn
your kid into a rolling suitcase.  If you do a lot of airplane travel
in particular this would be absolutely invaluable.  I tried one of
these for a few days and found it to be very sturdy and usable.

!Car Rentals

If you choose to not own a car and live in a city with a defective
public transportation system (San Francisco) you will be forced to
rent cars on a regular basis.  For example, most pediatrician offices
in San Francisco are extremely inconvenient to get to via an expensive
cab ride or a very long bus ride.

You may have up to three rental options depending what city you live
in.  First there are traditional rental agencies such as Enterprise or
Avis.  These services are geared towards business travelers so first
off they tend to be near airports.  The offices that they have in the
city typically are open only regular business hours so you have to
structure your rental needs around that.  On the plus side
particularly for weekend rentals they often have very attractive rates
(since they are focused on business travelers during the week).  I
have found Enterprise to be particularly good for this in San
Francisco, especially since they will bring a car to you.

For shorter trips on more flexible schedules, you currently have two
choices (late 2009, San Francisco).  The big commercial operation is
Zipcar.  Zipcar has cars parked all over the city and availability has
never been a problem for us.  You go online to book a car and walk a
couple blocks to pick it up.  When you are done you put the car back
where you found it.  Gas is included but you have to fill up yourself
(via a gas card in the car) if you are below a quarter tank.  If you
rent a Zipcar for a whole day you get a reduced rate and 180 miles per
day (you pay a per-mile fee after that).  In practice that is enough
to take a day trip to anywhere within an hour drive or so of the
city, and still have miles left when you reach your destination.

In a year or so of frequent use I have found Zipcar to work very well,
as long as you understand how it operates.  You have to clearly
understand the downsides of Zipcar.  For example, if you get in a
major accident and it is your fault, you will be dropped by Zipcar.
That makes sense from their perspective, but if you rely on Zipcar you
will be left hanging.  There's no way for example to pay a higher
insurance rate to stay in the program.

The third alternative is City Car Share, which works similarly to
Zipcar.  I haven't used it so I can't comment too much but by
understanding is that City Car Share operates more like a co-op
nonprofit.  Thus conceptually City Car Share seems like a good
idea. The downside is there are far fewer City Car Share cars in the
city.  We don't live close enough to one of their cars, so it doesn't
work for us.  If you do live close to a City Car Share car I encourage
you to check out their service.

!!What Goes In And What Comes Out

!Feeding (What Goes In)

Feeding a toddler is all about compromise.  You try to put food in
their mouth and some of it ends up there.  Most of the food however
will end up on the floor (or the ceiling).  While this is frustrating,
it is also rewarding as once again you get to see your child learn
about new foods and experiences every day.

If you live in a small apartment, my first advice is to forget about
buying a dedicated highchair.  They take up way too much room when not
in use.  Instead, get a booster seat like the
[Fisher Price Healthy Care Deluxe|http://bit.ly/5JP2Hn].

Once your child is old enough to generally sit up straight on their
own you can put the chair on the floor, sit down next to him or her,
and start feeding!  You definitely want to use a floor mat like the
[Sugar Booger Splat Mat|http://bit.ly/8yi2YN] while this mat is a bit
more expensive, it is very sturdy and can go through the wash.  Other
cheaper plastic mats tend to tear and wear out fairly quickly.

A nice feature of the deluxe version of that booster is it has
extensible legs so you can get your kid a little higher off the floor.
The tray also comes with a separate eating tray that you can put
through the dishwasher.  Just remove the separate tray and tray cover
and throw them away.  The design of the tray makes it really easy to
pinch your child's skin and its generally just useless.

After a few months of feeding on the floor (or right away, depends on
how much your child throws food) you can move the booster seat onto
one of your dining room chairs.  Then put the feeding mat on the floor
under the chair.  If your chair is at all valuable then also put a
protective cover on it underneath the booster seat.

This is the only way our son has been eating at home over the last
year or so and it works great.  Now he is almost three and he just
uses the seat as a booster without the tray table so he can sit right
at the table with us.

!The Curse of the Sippy Cup

Sippy cups, oh how I hate you.  Such a simple thing gone terribly,
terribly wrong.  We tried a bunch of different cups, then the BPA
scare came along so we had to get new ones, then we had to buy larger
ones... the cycle never ends.  No matter which cups you buy you will
always lose some critical piece. My advice is to try to just buy one
brand of cup and stick with it.

You should own at least one
[Playtex Coolster insulated cup|http://bit.ly/5xe8Pv]. These aren't good for younger kids as they
don't have handles.  However these cups have the wonderful property of
being almost spill and chew proof.  The only downside is you have to
remember to install the rubber seal properly.

Other than that, just find a basic cup that works well and stick with
it.  Try not to accumulate an entire cupboard full of different cups,
each with different missing pieces.  I've been generally satisfied
with the [Nuby|http://bit.ly/7pewpB].

!Diapering (What Comes Out)

We remain big fans of the premium Pampers disposable diaper lines
(Swaddlers for infants, Cruisers for Toddlers) but they are
expensive.  I would seriously consider trying the Costco brand
diapers as a cost-saving measure because you will be buying a lot of
diapers.

As I mentioned previously, we started with the Pampers Swaddlers and
switched to Cruisers at about 5 months.  Basically you switch when
your baby starts moving around the house a lot.  My one big
recommendation for apartment dwellers is stock up on diapers by buying
the big boxes.  If you have to buy a small package of diapers at Duane
Reade at 2 in the morning you will pay at least twice as much as you
would at a suburban Babies R Us.  While I dislike Babies R Us in general,
we do go there to buy diapers.  Once your son or daughter is over a
year old or so they won't change diaper sizes very much so you can buy
a couple boxes at once.  Make sure you sign up for the Babies R Us
loyalty program so they send you coupons on a regular basis.  You can
also collect a few manufacturer coupons and when the stars align you
can use both a manufacturer coupon and a Babies R Us store coupon
together for maximum savings.

Another thing that changes dramatically with toddlers is the diaper
bag.  With an infant the diaper bag serves as a general purpose safety
net.  There's no telling what could happen, so you need a large bag
that you stuff full of everything.  As you child gets older you don't
need to carry so much stuff.  We ended up moving from a dedicated
diaper bag to ultimately just a little
[Mimi the Sardine throw bag|http://bit.ly/7Gb5jB]
holding a couple diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, etc.  Keep in mind
that the useful lifespan of a big, fancy shower gift diaper bag is
thus very short.  In a few months that bag will end up in the back of
your closet, never to be used again (but also off-limits for throwing
out or giving away, due to sentimental attachment!).

I continue to stand by our decision to not purchase a separate
changing table and just change or son on the bed with a piddle pad.
This gets a lot easier as your child gets older, and the risk of
accidents declines dramatically.  Note again my wife disagrees on this
point and would prefer to have had a changing table.

!!Playtime

Toddlers start to make their own play decisions very early on, and
will tell you very clearly which toys they like and which ones they
don't care about.  This is a critical time in your child's development,
and one in which living in a small apartment will work to your
advantage.  See [this NY Times article|http://bit.ly/8Eldta] for an
example of the pitfalls of excessive gift giving.  In your tiny
apartment you have a built-in excuse: we don't have the room!  I
cannot emphasize strongly enough how you must stick to this mantra
when discussing gifts for your child with others.

The odds are good if you have a boy that they will be interested in
trains, especially if you live in the city and ride the subway or
light rail frequently.  Encourage this by viewing some 'Thomas the
Train' episodes together, and try buying a couple wooden Thomas trains
for your son.  If this sticks your gift problems are over for at least
a couple years.  Our son is a complete Thomas fanatic.  The great
things about wooden Thomas:

# No noise
# No batteries
# Very compact
# Expensive

There are literally hundreds of wooden Thomas trains you can suggest
people buy for your son.  Do what I did and set up an Amazon wishlist
with all the trains and sets he doesn't have.  Aunts and uncles will
be glad to have a clear gift giving guide.  Throw in a few
train-related books and you are all set.  If you play this right your
expenses will be minimal.  I suggest purchasing used wooden track on
ebay and waiting for others to supply the trains after you buy one or
two initial trains.  Note that this applies to the wooden Thomas
trains, not the other metal or plastic ones.  If you stick with wooden
Thomas you will very shortly have a very compact toy set that your son
will spend hours playing with, and will last forever.  The only
downside is the trains tend to get lost frequently at the playground.

I apologize to those of you with daughters out there as I can't offer
a similar recommendation for girl's toys.  I'm sure there is some
similarly small and expensive toy that they can get involved in as
well.  The reason in both cases that expensive toys are better is it
encourages people to just buy you one small item and not a huge
space-consuming collection.

Another play product I recommend strongly is pretty much anything made
by the Crayola company.  I don't know what is going on at that company
but they keep inventing incredible products.  I just got my son the
[no drip washable paintbrush pens|http://bit.ly/4Eu3WI]
for Christmas and they were a complete hit.  Stock up on a few of
the similar washable Crayola products and you have another excellent
toy that takes up little room, makes no noise, and provides a healthy
artistic outlet for your child.

!!Around The Home

!Safety

Another advantage of apartment living with a toddler which I have
discussed before is the fact that they can't get too far out of your
sight.  This is a double advantage when they are fully mobile.  We
went the usual route of babyproofing our apartment with outlet covers
and latches on the cabinets with anything dangerous in them.  In
practice this worked pretty well and by the time our son was two we no
longer had to worry so much about the cabinet latches (although we
still use them for the sink where the cleaning supplies reside).

A particular apartment concern we struggled with was locking the front
door.  A two year old can easily open most standard doors and
deadbolts, particularly of modern construction.  We ended up
installing a small bolt high on the front door.  It's nothing that
would really stop you from forcing the door open, but it is sufficient
to prevent a toddler from wandering out.   The same goes for windows
and patios, particularly on higher floors - get window guards and make
sure your child can't open the patio door.  Few things are more
horrifying then those stories of toddlers who fall from fire escapes.

!Bathtime

After about 15 months we switched to bathing our son on the floor of
the tub with a detachable shower head.  I cannot recommend detachable
shower heads strongly enough.  They make it so much easier to bathe
your child.  Around the age of two a kid can be generally trusted to
sit and play in the tub although you have to remain right there
watching them at all times.  Don't waste your time on the various
contraptions for bath time like separate tubs you place in the tub.
Just make

If you have just a stall shower then the only logical thing to do is
get a detachable shower head and take showers with your toddler.  I'm
actually not sure how well that will work in the early stages but once
a child is standing and walking comfortably it should be no problem.
This requires the use of a bath mat such as this
[Bathtub Bubble Mat|http://bit.ly/7ZsfWo].
Obviously any other sharp edges or hard corners in the shower should
be cushioned somehow as well.

!Potty Time

We are still working on potty training and it is proving to be
frustrating.  Again, my goal is to avoid as much extra equipment as
possible.  Thus, don't get a separate training potty for your child.
Instead, get a small stool and the
[Bjorn Toilet Trainer|http://bit.ly/6a7gxb].
That combo can be easily maneuvered by a two and a half year old so
they can be involved in the process.

!Discipline

Yes, even disciplining your child can be done in a way that maximizes
your enjoyment of the urban environment.  We don't believe in physical
punishment, and studies seem to bear out the fact that it doesn't
really work well in the long run.  We decided to use a time out system
and it has generally worked well (but can be exhausting).  I include
this in this article about urban child raising because the size of
your apartment means that you have to work very hard to get discipline
right.  If you don't you will be living with a monster with no place
to hide for a very long time.

When our son was old enough to move on his own and start making his
own decisions we instituted the naughty spot.  Do something naughty
and get put in the spot for a short amount of time.  We just picked a
relatively out of the way corner for this.  Now with say a 9 month old
this method of discipline doesn't really do too much.  If your kid
knocks over his food because he is mad, you put him in the spot.
Start with brief timeouts and increase them as your child grows.  At
first you will have to sit down in front of your son and make him sit
there for the duration.  Later with a three year old you can
tell them to go take a timeout and require that they explain to you what
they did wrong and apologize before they are released.

We've stuck with this system diligently with our son and it is working
well.  He generally has a clear idea of what he has done wrong and
after he calms down he will apologize.  You have to commit to this one
hundred percent.  If you threaten your child with a timeout and they
don't stop, you have to always give them one, even if that means
interrupting what you are doing.  Consistency is key.  Bear in mind
that you will have at least one session where a two year old will test
you as far as possible.  One time I had to sit with my son for a solid
hour before he finally got the message and apologized.  This sort of
parenting is incredibly tedious.  However since that one major test my
son knows I will enforce timeouts and we've never had to go through
that again.

To recap: I strongly recommend you implement a rigorous non-abusive
(and non-physical) discipline system such as time outs as soon as your
child begins to develop a knowledge of right and wrong, and stick with
that plan.  It will make your apartment life so much easier.

!Cribs and Beds

Our son slept in a portable crib at the head of our bed until he was
just over two years old.  At that time he could easily climb out of
the crib if he chose to.  A traditional large crib would probably
delay that by a few months.  Once we got to that point we decided it
was time to move to a toddler bed.  Luckily our friends had one we
could use, and it replaced the crib next to our bed.  In practice
toddler beds are slightly longer that portable cribs, but we were
still able to fit it next to our bed.  Obviously at some point he will
need his own room but a two-bedroom apartment is expensive so my
advice is to delay as long as possible.

Note that we went through several weeks of our son not staying in bed
after we moved him to the toddler bed.  He would get out of bed
literally a dozen times after we put him down.  Finally this ended but
it was a stressful time.

!!Conclusion

I've been wanting to write this article for over a year, but I'm glad
now that I've waited as long as I did to finally set it down.  My son
teaches me something new every day.  I remain committed to city living
with a child and I would not trade it for anything.  The
obstacles can be daunting at times but you can always overcome them with
a little work.  Never let fear rule your life - there is a wide-open
urban experience awaiting you!

-----

Copyright 2010 [Philip J. Hollenback|http://www.hollenback.net]

_Special thanks to [Scotto|http://www.supportland.com] for his feedback on this article._

-----

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